Trump’s New Usher Has Deep State in Uproar!

Trump Family Hires New Head Usher…
Turns The Clock Back 55 Years!

Elizabeth Warren: It’s a Scandal! It’s an Outrage!

The White House has it’s new Head Usher.  Amid a swirl of controversy, a little known newcomer, Robert Hoeller, will stand at attention and have the the Ushers’ Pledge of Loyalty administered to him by the Head Hostess.  Not much is known about this new, Mr. Outside.  

EEOC Investigation Into WH Hiring Practices!

Unnamed EEOC field office staff said they had completed a preliminary review of the applicants for this position.  "There were clearly several far more qualified candidates, including one “Barry Hussein”, a retired government employee, living on a pension, seeking to ‘give back’ to the community. 

Barry Hussein: Saddened that after 55 years, American is
no longer going to honor the deal he made when he left Kenya.

We were able to speak briefly to ‘Barry' as he walked from the executive conference room of the Willard Hotel on the way to his limo:  “Let me make this clear. I had a deal. The same damn deal that’s been in place since when I went to Occidental, then Columbia then Harvard and then the University of Chicago Law School as a professor [note; bystanders overhearing this laughed]. It was MY DEAL: Bus pulls up, Barry gets on the bus. The driver, he ax nooo questions - MY deal! Trump busted my deal to be the Usher Organizer. "

It’s not all work for the Head Usher!
Here we see Bob stuffing a priceless piece of Presidential
sports memorabilia under his shirt. Baahahaha

New White House Usher, Hoeller whips up a pan of his “extry-'special brownies. Said Bob, “I want to see Kellyanne after throwing down three of these! You little vixen!

Yippie ki-yay!!"

Bill Crowley, Dean Emeritus of Whitefish Bay Dominican High School has been a long time supporter of Mr. Hoeller’s. We caught up with “Bill” after a round of golf at Ozaukee Country Club. 

CROWLEY: Hey!  Thanks again for the dozen balls and pitcher of Old Fashioneds!!  Now what do you want to know about Bobby??”

ME: Is it true that when he moved to Kentucky, you scraped the BOB tattoo off your arm - the same way that Maximus cut out the SPQR from his arm?!

BC: Let me say that The Gladiator movie was filmed long after Bob moved to Kentucky. So, do you like movies about Gladiators??

ME: So how do you think your protégé will do as the new head usher.

BC: Bartender!  More Beer Nuts here?  Thanks pal!  Oh Bob’ll do just fine. You know I can still remember taking a young Robert Hoeller and Petey Walthers with me to the Fox Bay Theatre to see “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”.  True Story…we’re halfway through the film and Hoeller stands up and yells out, You’ve got great cans, Liz!!  We went the Port Silver Diner after we were asked to leave. 

ME: No, no..how will he do as the new Chief Usher for the White House, not the Fox Bay!  Staff of 90 - Around Melania all day [wink, wink] huh???

WC: Wha??!!  Are you serious??  Why didn’t you call me??  That’s insane!! Don’t ever talk to me again!! [note: at this point the subject left the table and ran for the door]

And the K is silent

Verne baby!

Usually, Vern Lundquist isn’t a complete idiot. 

But when March Madness games are played in Louisville, Kentucky, Verne and his son, Jim Nantz fall all over themselves as they try to outdo themselves with what they have decided are the correct pronunciations of this city.

Louisville's beautiful water front

Let me take you back.

This all began with the rise of Severiaño Ballesteros Sota.  In the Catalan language, (the language of the Catalanos) Sota translates to ‘valet’ or ‘knave’ which is how CBS treated Severiaño in his early days on the PGA Tour when God Forbid! he outplayed the PGA’s golden boy, Tom Watson.  Neither Lundquist, nor Nantz could pronounce Severiaño, so they shortened his name to Seve Knave – and all the other TV announcers followed suit.

 

Seve Knave

So along comes Severiaño’s progeny, José María Olazábal Manterola.  Most Americans were happy and content to just call him Jose Maria Ola´zah-bel.  It was comfortable and in the hushed tones around the greens it sounded like Lundquist was saying, “Jose y Maria ‘zat Taco Bell”.  BUT… insiders say things changed. 

It was April 1989 when Nick Faldo won The Masters and finished the Butler Cabin

Ola-thaw-bull at the Grey Bar Hotel

interview, that Faldo dragged Nantz into Augusta National’s Trophy Room and started pouring shots of Stolichnaya into him. This was payback for Nantz’s habit of passive-aggressive dogging Faldo’s play on the air. Henry Longhurst recalls that, “Nick’s plan was to get Nantz hammered, load him into a cart and roll the bugger out deep in the woods around Amen Corner. He thought it’d be like that scene from Deliverance, but Nick came up with a better plan!”   

Nantz: "Here's looking at you Ola-Thaw Bulll"

Faldo had been joined by some of the other Guinness fueled Euros and together they convinced a now totally wasted Nantz, that the correct pronunciation of Olazábal was Ola-thaw-bull.

Have you ever been to Spain?  Just try saying that to some golf nuts in a seaside bar in Marbella!  But the joke continues to this day – in the USA!

Which brings me back to Verne Lundquist and Louisville.

We all know that the only time it’s perfectly acceptable to pronounce Louisville as “Louie´-ville” is when you’re making fun of Rick Pitino, or the basketball/football team.  At all other times, simply say Loo-a-vul . Simple.

BUT…listen very carefully to Lundquist and Nantz as they dig deep to pronounce it, “Lull-egh-vull”.  Seriously!  Listen to them murder it. It’s hysterical!

I say it’s the ghost of Seve Knave coming back to haunt them. It’s madness I tell you – Madness!!

Bill Crowley Teacher Appreciation

Originally published May 15, 2015

Dear Reader: Please read the footnotes as they occur in the text. TY

Dear Mr. Crowley,                                                                                                                                                                                         

You know that Sinatra song, “My Way”?  The part where he sings, "Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention”.  Well, that’s not true for me.

On the occasion of Teacher Appreciation Day, I hope you’ll indulge me as I share with you a few regrets from my years as a student at Dominican High School.

§ I regret that I wasn’t there to help you when school hoodlums chained all the second floor hallway doors together.  On that particular day I was in Mrs. Ash’s Physical Science class at the DHS field next to Bay Shore. We launched our class-project rocket. It crash landed on the Kohl’s roof.  Oops! Class dismissed!! 

§ I regret falling in with the wrong crowd in my World Problems class in senior year. As a result, I became the first student in the history of DHS to be petitioned OUT of a class, (a ruling I always suspected you presided over). The only upside to being reassigned to the Typing Class is that I can type this today with just a minimum of Wite-Out and eroes errors. (SEE  [1]  below)

§ I regret I didn’t attend the gala Sports Banquet my senior year. Of course, there really wasn’t much to celebrate. We lost every single football game. I think Bob Trussell won something for high jumping. Kerry DeChant won an award just for surviving the year. And Sphanie won everything else. I would’ve cheered their accomplishments, if I had attended, but I had other commitments. [2]

§ I regret that after four years and pretty good attendance, the only college letter of recommendation I received from Dominican and the faculty, came from Mr. Synold.[3]

What the hell are you doing Ms. Lechmaier?? I said PITH the frog, not KISS the frog!

But most of all, I regret I wasn’t in your class the day you created Kinetic Boy.  That’s right.  It was in your class -- and I wasn’t there to see it! I should’ve been, but again,  I had commitments. [4]

Kinetic Boy.  That’s all you heard around school. Mike Fetherston told me he was in the Girls Locker Room when he first heard about Kinetic Boy. He couldn't say for sure who said it as he was hiding under a pile of towels in a laundry cart.

Rumor had it, Bill, you hurt your leg earlier that day and couldn’t demonstrate the Theories of Energy as you usually did.[5]  So that day in class, you asked for a volunteer to help. Bob Hoeller jumped out of his seat and raced to the front of the room. With your blessing, he climbed up on top of the lab table and stood motionless. Classmates remember you saying, "There it is people!  That's Potential Energy!"  You thanked Bob for helping and asked the class to open their books to, “Mitosis: A House Divided.”

[1] Mary Andrews was also tossed out of class. It haunts her to this day.

[2] I needed to make it up to Mary for getting her kicked out of World Problems, so I asked her to be my date at a small dinner party hosted by Tom O’Leary at Miss Prange’s apartment. I brought a bottle of Mateus Rosé.

[3] I  also regret that after receiving that letter, I repeatedly snuck into the PA room and for several days used it to repeatedly announce, “Mr. Synold, please call 1-0”

[4] As punishment for my Fr. Richards Kumbaya Incident on the PA system, (“Sing with me…Someone’s limpin’ Lord, kumbaya”), I was banished to the 3^rd floor, to spend the rest of the semester in the DHS Scholastic Gulag known as “Business Law” taught by Jeff Messerknecht -- who already hated me for losing the last football game of the year, (a transfer I  suspected you engineered).

[5] While enjoying your luncheon sandwich in the Faculty Dining Room, you looked out the window and saw Bob Steggert sneaking around the side of the convent, trying to crawl in through an open window. You dashed out and chased him away, pulling your hamstring in the process.

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PAGE TWO

But Bob didn’t get off the table and go back to his seat as you asked, did he?  No he didn’t. To make matters worse there was an aquarium on the table holding a harmless, innocent frog.[1]  (see below) Bob spied the frog and...oh-oh.  Classmates speak of an of eerie, unnatural look that came over him.[2] (see below)

Bob grabbed the frog and began signing Surfin’ Bird:

“A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird. 
Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word,
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word!”  

Then he started tap dancing right there on the lab table while waving the frog around and singing to it! Others picked up the tune, further encouraging Hoeller, all to the accompaniment of howls and cat-calls from the class!

One look in his eyes and you could tell that inside the containment vessel of his head, billions of neurons were smashing around.  No one could control that chain reaction! [3]  This was your China Syndrome, Bill.  An event like this could melt through to the floors below, wiping out Dora, Antoine, and even Gerard in that basement bunker of hers.  But sometimes the good guys get lucky and today was your day.  In the middle of his frog-crazed song and dance, Bob slipped and fell off the table, (look out!!), landing onto the students in the front row...crash!!  Plaid kiltie skirts went flying as bodies tumbled together onto the floor.

So, what makes a great teacher?  Someone who recognizes a Teachable Moment when he sees one. Ignoring the pain in your hamstring, you jumped up on the lab table, pointed down at the tangled mess of arms and legs on the floor and announced in a loud voice, “OK people…that was Kinetic Energy!”

Suddenly from the pile of bodies there was a SCREAM, followed by a loud SLAP!! and then a girl screeching at the top of her lungs, “Get your damn hands off me, Kinetic Boy!” [4]

Yes; I really, truly regret not being in your class that day! [5]  You were, (and still are!), a great teacher Bill.  And I regret not having you for more classes. 

Murph

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[1] This would be the greatest day of your frog’s life!  Interestingly, according to your lesson plan, it was also the second to last day of his life.

[2] Classmates: Cathy Lechmaier, Pat Hardin, Debby Catalano, Mike Caravella, Mike Tank, Charlie Schumacher, Roberta Hanus, Jim Blumberg, Pattie Striepling, Suzi Stipich, Linda Melacher, Mary Ann DiMaggio, Phil Ott, Frank Biancuzo, Katie Fischer, Patty Larkin and Jim Sweeny.

[3] You prevailed at the trial: Crowley & The Sinsinawans vs. Hoeller. The court agreed with your argument that, “no one man can stop a demonic possession.”  They did however, admonish you for, “Enjoying such a hearty laugh at Mr. Hoeller’s expense.”

[4] In February 1970, I took a Greyhound Bus to Boulder, Colorado for a long ski weekend with Cathy Lechmaier. I arrived at the Kappa House and found her balled up on a couch in the den. After lighting a fire and getting cozy over glasses of Mateus Rosé, she told me it was Debby Catalano who coined the phrase, Kinetic Boy; 

“After Bob fell off the table, we were all tangled up, laughing together on the floor. The frog slipped out of his hand and it hopped up Debby’s skirt (SCREAM!). I saw Bob grab for it. What he got was, well…let’s just say that what he got, wasn’t the frog (SLAP!!). And then Deb started screaming at him. Is there another bottle of Mateus??” 

[5] Years later, relaxing on the veranda at Ozaukee CC, sipping an Old Fashioned and recalling his fall onto that front row of Debby, Katie, Suzi, Mary Ann and Cathy, Mr. Hoeller was heard to say, “All the doubts I had about my sexual orientation were resolved that day thanks to Bill Crowley and his frog.”