Reunion Trilogy Episode Two - It’s Something to Read!

                                    It was a night of…
                      #SpecialMemories

Tell me, WHat do YOU remember about the Town Club Party?

Me?? Well I’ll tell ‘ya...

What I remember the most about that night was when the DJ played, ‘Race With The Wind’, by Milwaukee’s own…The Robbs. It’s a good song, but it brings back painful memories of a certain 1968 St. Monica’s CYO dance my psychologist doesn’t approve of me reliving. So I fled the dance floor and rushed into the bar. I got there just in time to grab the last stool and see Bill Crowley and school president, Leanne Giese walk in. They were just hanging around at the end of the bar without a drink in their hands. I looked over at the bartender and gave her the universal “high-sign” - an unspoken language among us food service alums that says; Oh miss! A round of Old Fashioneds for my friends please!  

It was nice that the school VIP’s came out for our party first instead of other classes’ who had booked the hipper places down in the Third Ward. But isn’t the Third Ward becoming just a little too tedious?  Just sayin’.

Just then, the Club brought out its signature appetizer; a huge patter laden with fresh ground sirloin, sliced Vidalia onions, crusty seeded rye bread and of course…a pile of golden brown, deep fried cheese curds. Damn it’s great to be back in Milwaukee!  Unfortunately, I lost most of my food tokens to my friend Bob playing bar dice.  Good news was I had just enough left for a Cannibal Sandwich, and maybe a trip later on to the dessert trough. I dashed over to the card table and quickly loaded up a plate just before my other friend Bob could get there and snag all the tastiest curds.

Getting back to my stool, I heard raucous laughter coming from the end of the bar. What did I see but Mr. Dominican doing a stand-up comedy routine for all my classmates with his, (apparently), hysterical story of how in 1967, he gave me a C in Biology and Phys. Ed!  Can you even imagine??

 Then, while still nursing the drinks I bought them, Bill & Leanne launched into a string of one-liners about my Extra Curricular's that had the room in stitches!  Another friend named Bob said it reminded him of the wild night in Thailand when he was backstage at the Bob Hope & Ann-Margret USO show.

After dinner, while enjoying heaping bowlfuls of the Club’s famous Lime Jell-O & Miracle Whip Compote, Bill apologized for the incident in the bar, admitting that maybe some of the clubs listed on my official transcript really did exist, but since he never paid any attention to the PA announcements I made, he never knew for sure either way!  But seriously... The Ushers Club??

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Leanne give Bill the high sign - which in this case translated to; It’s time to go to the Class of ’79 party at the Earl Scheib Banquet Hall on North Teutonia.

As I walked them to the door, Bill said,

“You know Murph, MATC would’ve accepted you without padding your transcript.”

“True, but not UWM. And wasn’t that your alma mater?”, I said with a grin.

"You realize no UWM alum has ever received the Dominican High School Distinguished Alumni Award.”

“Haha! Gotcha Bill! I gra—"

“—I know.  Nor will any graduate of the SEC!”

“Well played sir…well played.”

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You too will have an unforgettable evening of 

#Special Memories, all for the small price of an Old Fashioned. 

Have you registered yet?

OMG it's totally EASY!  Just go here:

https://dominicanhighschool.ejoinme.org/50yearreunion

Use your credit card and you're DONE!

It’s going to be a great party.

See you there!

Hey la!

A teacher walks into her classroom.

She opens a MacBook Pro and brings up a single PowerPoint slide.

The class goes silent.

She begins…

Teacher: "Good morning class. Now, before we do anything else today,  I’d like to answer a question that was posted to my Facebook help page:  Dear Ms. Gruyere, is there an easy way to remember the difference between Potential Energy and Kinetic Energy?  Why, yes there is  - and you might want to take notes on this - Potential Energy is you sitting there thinking how amazing you’ll look walking around the Notre Dame campus next Fall.  Kinetic Energy is you schlepping around UWM because you failed this class. Got it?  Great!  Moving on: I have some very exciting news for you - the winner of  our 2017 Distinguished Alumni Award is…

Student Bobby: …it’s the ‘My Pillow’ guy from TV! The pillow that adjusts to your individual sleep needs!

All Students: Assorted cheers - he rocks - way to go! - he sucks! - etc.

Teacher: No. It’s not the guy from the ‘My Pillow’ commercials.  Did he go to school here Bobby? Do you even know what “Alumni” means??

Student Bobby: Do you??

Teacher: (ignoring him) This year’s alumni winner is Monsieur Marcel Le Ralral!

All Students: (grumbling) Who?? Wha?! -  the hell you say! - WTF? - he’s not MY award winner - I want to bear his children! - #resistmarcel, etc.

Teacher: OK, OK. Quiet down.  I think you’ll feel differently when you hear the story of this amazing Dominican alumni...

Yes, I suppose some might call her “hot”.   What?  No, I don’t have her number!

"Details about Monsieur Marcel's life are a little sketchy. We know that after graduation, he went into the Army and spent time in Thailand. Officials believe that's when he became immersed in jungle culture. Legend has it on his days off he would hike up to a village, sit crossed legged on the ground with the elders and say, “Bon jour! Je m'apple Corporal Shriver - I used to be Sergeant Shriver, but the Peace Corps demoted me! hahaha! Now, how about I teach you how to feed your entire village with a kettle of my world famous ox tail soup??”

Students: (grumbling) Ox tail soup sucks! Ugg – it’s gruel - dog food - meow mix, etc.

Student Gwen: Hey!  I’ll have you know that I just happen to like ox tail soup!

Teacher: Of course you do. Thank you, Gwen.

Students: (all together)  Thank you, Gwen 

“As I was saying, it was the indigenous peoples who awarded him the honorary title, Phæa thī̀ mī chīwit, or Monsieur Marcel Le Ralral the First. 

Returning home to Milwaukee, he retained [REDACTED] and legally changed his name from [REDACTED], to Marcel L. Ralral. 

‘Ricky Kielbasa’
Courtesy Milw Police Dept

We know that a few months later, he borrowed his best friend's medical school lab coat and using the alias, Ricky Kielbasa, he interviewed for a job with the new Milwaukee Does women’s professional basketball team.

Inexplicably, the Does hired him to be their Glutes & Quads Trainer. ‘Ricky’ fled after the players complained of his so called, “hands-on, advanced training techniques”.  At the bottom of the slide you see a picture from December, 1978. It was drawn by a Milwaukee Police Department sketch artist based on statements given by members of the team. Tried in absentia, Marcel’s trail went cold for many years.

Then, just a few days ago, a series of grainy pictures appeared on the underground guerrilla website, "Che Today”, based in Puerto Rico. Case officers at the CIA are expressing high confidence that the grainy images are indeed that of Marcel and his traveling companion, Kon-Tiki Krissy. With the local policía and FEMA in hot pursuit, they were able to slip out of the country, avoiding capture and certain jail time."

Student Cathy: Jail? What is it?!

"Well, Cathy…it seems Monsieur Ralral was sent to Puerto Rico by FEMA to assist with the Hurricane Maria relief efforts. He was so upset by the devastation and the idiotic bureaucracy that he decided to take matters into his own hands.

The Che & Raoul Show
The Best in Caribbean Proletarian Sports Talk
Courtesy “Che Today"

Using the skills he perfected in Thailand, Marcel roamed the hilly Puerto Rican countryside. Arriving at a destroyed village, he would sit with the elders and introduce himself saying; ¡Hola! Mi nombre es Michael Anthony, the representavo personalo of John Beresford Tipton, Junior.  Then, with Krissy holding his battered leather valise on her hip, he’d and reach in and hand them a cashiers check for one million dollars - drawn on the FEMA account!  It was brilliant. Highly illegal, but brilliant!  Hopefully, someday, when they come out of hiding, I can present this award to him in person. Some day…[snif]"

Student Debby: I’m so confused! It seems like, in trying to live his life ‘on the edge’,  Monsieur Ralral not only walked right up to it, but then he jumped over. Why… WHY?!

“My, my. Aren’t you the clever one, Debby?  You should discuss that in your break-out sessions. But let me just say this: Like the smell of the Lake Michigan alewives, he is no more than a dream remembered. A young man, [she sobs]…gone with the wind.

You could hear a pin drop. She knew they were staring at her. Damn emotions got the better of her again. Can’t let them see me like this! She wiped her eyes, gathered herself  and said to the class, “Now, please put everything under your desks…"

Marcel Ralral

Just then, fire alarms went off; reeeek-reeeek-reeeek!!

Emergency strobe lights began to flash!

An image walked quickly past the classroom door, pausing in mid-step to look in the window,  for just the briefest of moments.

A student shouted, "It’s HIM!”

“Who??”, asked the teacher.

“The guy on the slide! Marcel Ralral!  He’s in the hall!!"

The teacher gasped. The class broke into spontaneous cheers and applause. Chaos!

She rushed to the door and craned her neck, looking down the hall. There was no one.

She walked back and stood motionless in front of the class.  Her face flushed. She could feel the warmth of the blushing spreading down her neck.  Her voice cracked as it competed with the clanging of the alarms, “Listen up!  Unfortunately, this means that today’s midterm exam is canceled. But, you’d better be ready on Monday!  Now gather up your things, get in line and exit in a single file. I’ll close the door behind you. Now let’s move it people! Tout d’suite!”

She hustled them through the door. The sirens from the Whitefish Bay Police and Fire departments were getting closer. They’d bring in the dogs and sweep the building. That’ll be interesting. That also meant classes would be canceled for the rest of the day.  Oh well... 

She closed the door and elbowed her way into the river of kids being shepherded through the hall towards the stairs. Between the clanging of the fire alarms and the jostling of the kids, no one could hear her singing softly under her breath…

🎤

 My boyfriend's back he's gonna save my reputation

(Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)

If I were you, I'd take a permanent vacation

(Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)

Trump’s New Usher Has Deep State in Uproar!

Trump Family Hires New Head Usher…
Turns The Clock Back 55 Years!

Elizabeth Warren: It’s a Scandal! It’s an Outrage!

The White House has it’s new Head Usher.  Amid a swirl of controversy, a little known newcomer, Robert Hoeller, will stand at attention and have the the Ushers’ Pledge of Loyalty administered to him by the Head Hostess.  Not much is known about this new, Mr. Outside.  

EEOC Investigation Into WH Hiring Practices!

Unnamed EEOC field office staff said they had completed a preliminary review of the applicants for this position.  "There were clearly several far more qualified candidates, including one “Barry Hussein”, a retired government employee, living on a pension, seeking to ‘give back’ to the community. 

Barry Hussein: Saddened that after 55 years, American is
no longer going to honor the deal he made when he left Kenya.

We were able to speak briefly to ‘Barry' as he walked from the executive conference room of the Willard Hotel on the way to his limo:  “Let me make this clear. I had a deal. The same damn deal that’s been in place since when I went to Occidental, then Columbia then Harvard and then the University of Chicago Law School as a professor [note; bystanders overhearing this laughed]. It was MY DEAL: Bus pulls up, Barry gets on the bus. The driver, he ax nooo questions - MY deal! Trump busted my deal to be the Usher Organizer. "

It’s not all work for the Head Usher!
Here we see Bob stuffing a priceless piece of Presidential
sports memorabilia under his shirt. Baahahaha

New White House Usher, Hoeller whips up a pan of his “extry-'special brownies. Said Bob, “I want to see Kellyanne after throwing down three of these! You little vixen!

Yippie ki-yay!!"

Bill Crowley, Dean Emeritus of Whitefish Bay Dominican High School has been a long time supporter of Mr. Hoeller’s. We caught up with “Bill” after a round of golf at Ozaukee Country Club. 

CROWLEY: Hey!  Thanks again for the dozen balls and pitcher of Old Fashioneds!!  Now what do you want to know about Bobby??”

ME: Is it true that when he moved to Kentucky, you scraped the BOB tattoo off your arm - the same way that Maximus cut out the SPQR from his arm?!

BC: Let me say that The Gladiator movie was filmed long after Bob moved to Kentucky. So, do you like movies about Gladiators??

ME: So how do you think your protégé will do as the new head usher.

BC: Bartender!  More Beer Nuts here?  Thanks pal!  Oh Bob’ll do just fine. You know I can still remember taking a young Robert Hoeller and Petey Walthers with me to the Fox Bay Theatre to see “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”.  True Story…we’re halfway through the film and Hoeller stands up and yells out, You’ve got great cans, Liz!!  We went the Port Silver Diner after we were asked to leave. 

ME: No, no..how will he do as the new Chief Usher for the White House, not the Fox Bay!  Staff of 90 - Around Melania all day [wink, wink] huh???

WC: Wha??!!  Are you serious??  Why didn’t you call me??  That’s insane!! Don’t ever talk to me again!! [note: at this point the subject left the table and ran for the door]

Bill Crowley Teacher Appreciation

Originally published May 15, 2015

Dear Reader: Please read the footnotes as they occur in the text. TY

Dear Mr. Crowley,                                                                                                                                                                                         

You know that Sinatra song, “My Way”?  The part where he sings, "Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention”.  Well, that’s not true for me.

On the occasion of Teacher Appreciation Day, I hope you’ll indulge me as I share with you a few regrets from my years as a student at Dominican High School.

§ I regret that I wasn’t there to help you when school hoodlums chained all the second floor hallway doors together.  On that particular day I was in Mrs. Ash’s Physical Science class at the DHS field next to Bay Shore. We launched our class-project rocket. It crash landed on the Kohl’s roof.  Oops! Class dismissed!! 

§ I regret falling in with the wrong crowd in my World Problems class in senior year. As a result, I became the first student in the history of DHS to be petitioned OUT of a class, (a ruling I always suspected you presided over). The only upside to being reassigned to the Typing Class is that I can type this today with just a minimum of Wite-Out and eroes errors. (SEE  [1]  below)

§ I regret I didn’t attend the gala Sports Banquet my senior year. Of course, there really wasn’t much to celebrate. We lost every single football game. I think Bob Trussell won something for high jumping. Kerry DeChant won an award just for surviving the year. And Sphanie won everything else. I would’ve cheered their accomplishments, if I had attended, but I had other commitments. [2]

§ I regret that after four years and pretty good attendance, the only college letter of recommendation I received from Dominican and the faculty, came from Mr. Synold.[3]

What the hell are you doing Ms. Lechmaier?? I said PITH the frog, not KISS the frog!

But most of all, I regret I wasn’t in your class the day you created Kinetic Boy.  That’s right.  It was in your class -- and I wasn’t there to see it! I should’ve been, but again,  I had commitments. [4]

Kinetic Boy.  That’s all you heard around school. Mike Fetherston told me he was in the Girls Locker Room when he first heard about Kinetic Boy. He couldn't say for sure who said it as he was hiding under a pile of towels in a laundry cart.

Rumor had it, Bill, you hurt your leg earlier that day and couldn’t demonstrate the Theories of Energy as you usually did.[5]  So that day in class, you asked for a volunteer to help. Bob Hoeller jumped out of his seat and raced to the front of the room. With your blessing, he climbed up on top of the lab table and stood motionless. Classmates remember you saying, "There it is people!  That's Potential Energy!"  You thanked Bob for helping and asked the class to open their books to, “Mitosis: A House Divided.”

[1] Mary Andrews was also tossed out of class. It haunts her to this day.

[2] I needed to make it up to Mary for getting her kicked out of World Problems, so I asked her to be my date at a small dinner party hosted by Tom O’Leary at Miss Prange’s apartment. I brought a bottle of Mateus Rosé.

[3] I  also regret that after receiving that letter, I repeatedly snuck into the PA room and for several days used it to repeatedly announce, “Mr. Synold, please call 1-0”

[4] As punishment for my Fr. Richards Kumbaya Incident on the PA system, (“Sing with me…Someone’s limpin’ Lord, kumbaya”), I was banished to the 3^rd floor, to spend the rest of the semester in the DHS Scholastic Gulag known as “Business Law” taught by Jeff Messerknecht -- who already hated me for losing the last football game of the year, (a transfer I  suspected you engineered).

[5] While enjoying your luncheon sandwich in the Faculty Dining Room, you looked out the window and saw Bob Steggert sneaking around the side of the convent, trying to crawl in through an open window. You dashed out and chased him away, pulling your hamstring in the process.

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PAGE TWO

But Bob didn’t get off the table and go back to his seat as you asked, did he?  No he didn’t. To make matters worse there was an aquarium on the table holding a harmless, innocent frog.[1]  (see below) Bob spied the frog and...oh-oh.  Classmates speak of an of eerie, unnatural look that came over him.[2] (see below)

Bob grabbed the frog and began signing Surfin’ Bird:

“A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird. 
Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word,
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word,
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word!”  

Then he started tap dancing right there on the lab table while waving the frog around and singing to it! Others picked up the tune, further encouraging Hoeller, all to the accompaniment of howls and cat-calls from the class!

One look in his eyes and you could tell that inside the containment vessel of his head, billions of neurons were smashing around.  No one could control that chain reaction! [3]  This was your China Syndrome, Bill.  An event like this could melt through to the floors below, wiping out Dora, Antoine, and even Gerard in that basement bunker of hers.  But sometimes the good guys get lucky and today was your day.  In the middle of his frog-crazed song and dance, Bob slipped and fell off the table, (look out!!), landing onto the students in the front row...crash!!  Plaid kiltie skirts went flying as bodies tumbled together onto the floor.

So, what makes a great teacher?  Someone who recognizes a Teachable Moment when he sees one. Ignoring the pain in your hamstring, you jumped up on the lab table, pointed down at the tangled mess of arms and legs on the floor and announced in a loud voice, “OK people…that was Kinetic Energy!”

Suddenly from the pile of bodies there was a SCREAM, followed by a loud SLAP!! and then a girl screeching at the top of her lungs, “Get your damn hands off me, Kinetic Boy!” [4]

Yes; I really, truly regret not being in your class that day! [5]  You were, (and still are!), a great teacher Bill.  And I regret not having you for more classes. 

Murph

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[1] This would be the greatest day of your frog’s life!  Interestingly, according to your lesson plan, it was also the second to last day of his life.

[2] Classmates: Cathy Lechmaier, Pat Hardin, Debby Catalano, Mike Caravella, Mike Tank, Charlie Schumacher, Roberta Hanus, Jim Blumberg, Pattie Striepling, Suzi Stipich, Linda Melacher, Mary Ann DiMaggio, Phil Ott, Frank Biancuzo, Katie Fischer, Patty Larkin and Jim Sweeny.

[3] You prevailed at the trial: Crowley & The Sinsinawans vs. Hoeller. The court agreed with your argument that, “no one man can stop a demonic possession.”  They did however, admonish you for, “Enjoying such a hearty laugh at Mr. Hoeller’s expense.”

[4] In February 1970, I took a Greyhound Bus to Boulder, Colorado for a long ski weekend with Cathy Lechmaier. I arrived at the Kappa House and found her balled up on a couch in the den. After lighting a fire and getting cozy over glasses of Mateus Rosé, she told me it was Debby Catalano who coined the phrase, Kinetic Boy; 

“After Bob fell off the table, we were all tangled up, laughing together on the floor. The frog slipped out of his hand and it hopped up Debby’s skirt (SCREAM!). I saw Bob grab for it. What he got was, well…let’s just say that what he got, wasn’t the frog (SLAP!!). And then Deb started screaming at him. Is there another bottle of Mateus??” 

[5] Years later, relaxing on the veranda at Ozaukee CC, sipping an Old Fashioned and recalling his fall onto that front row of Debby, Katie, Suzi, Mary Ann and Cathy, Mr. Hoeller was heard to say, “All the doubts I had about my sexual orientation were resolved that day thanks to Bill Crowley and his frog.”