A teacher walks into her
classroom.
She opens a MacBook Pro and
brings up a single PowerPoint slide.
The class goes silent.
She begins…
Teacher: "Good morning
class. Now, before we do anything else today, I’d like to answer a question that was posted to my Facebook help page: Dear Ms. Gruyere, is there an easy way to remember the difference between Potential Energy and Kinetic Energy? Why, yes there is - and you might want to take notes on this - Potential Energy is you sitting there thinking how amazing you’ll look walking around the Notre Dame campus next Fall. Kinetic Energy is you schlepping around UWM because you failed this class. Got it? Great! Moving on: I have some very exciting news for you - the winner of our 2017 Distinguished Alumni Award is…
Student Bobby: …it’s the ‘My
Pillow’ guy from TV! The pillow that adjusts to your individual sleep needs!
All Students: Assorted cheers -
he rocks - way to go! - he sucks! - etc.
Teacher: No. It’s not the guy
from the ‘My Pillow’ commercials. Did he
go to school here Bobby? Do you even know what “Alumni” means??
Student Bobby: Do you??
Teacher: (ignoring him) This
year’s alumni winner is Monsieur Marcel Le Ralral!
All Students: (grumbling) Who??
Wha?! - the hell you say! - WTF? - he’s
not MY award winner - I want to bear his children! - #resistmarcel, etc.
Teacher: OK, OK. Quiet
down. I think you’ll feel differently
when you hear the story of this amazing Dominican alumni...
 |
| Yes, I suppose some might call her “hot”. What? No, I don’t have her number! |
"Details about Monsieur
Marcel's life are a little sketchy. We know that after graduation, he went into
the Army and spent time in Thailand. Officials believe that's when he became
immersed in jungle culture. Legend has it on his days off he would hike up to a
village, sit crossed legged on the ground with the elders and say, “Bon jour!
Je m'apple Corporal Shriver - I used to be Sergeant Shriver, but the Peace
Corps demoted me! hahaha! Now, how about I teach you how to feed your entire
village with a kettle of my world famous ox tail soup??”
Students: (grumbling) Ox tail
soup sucks! Ugg – it’s gruel - dog food - meow mix, etc.
Student Gwen: Hey! I’ll have you know that I just happen to like
ox tail soup!
Teacher: Of course you do. Thank
you, Gwen.
Students: (all together) Thank you, Gwen
“As I was saying, it was the
indigenous peoples who awarded him the honorary title, Phæa thī̀ mī chīwit, or
Monsieur Marcel Le Ralral the First.
Returning home to Milwaukee, he
retained [REDACTED] and legally changed his name from [REDACTED], to Marcel L.
Ralral.
 |
| ‘Ricky Kielbasa’ Courtesy Milw Police Dept |
We know that a few months later,
he borrowed his best friend's medical school lab coat and using the alias,
Ricky Kielbasa, he interviewed for a job with the new Milwaukee Does women’s
professional basketball team.
Inexplicably, the Does hired him
to be their Glutes & Quads Trainer. ‘Ricky’ fled after the players
complained of his so called, “hands-on, advanced training techniques”. At the bottom of the slide you see a picture
from December, 1978. It was drawn by a Milwaukee Police Department sketch
artist based on statements given by members of the team. Tried in absentia,
Marcel’s trail went cold for many years.
Then, just a few days ago, a
series of grainy pictures appeared on the underground guerrilla website,
"Che Today”, based in Puerto Rico. Case officers at the CIA are expressing
high confidence that the grainy images are indeed that of Marcel and his
traveling companion, Kon-Tiki Krissy. With the local policía and FEMA in hot
pursuit, they were able to slip out of the country, avoiding capture and
certain jail time."
Student Cathy: Jail? What is
it?!
"Well, Cathy…it seems
Monsieur Ralral was sent to Puerto Rico by FEMA to assist with the Hurricane
Maria relief efforts. He was so upset by the devastation and the idiotic
bureaucracy that he decided to take matters into his own hands.
 |
| The Che & Raoul Show The Best in Caribbean Proletarian Sports Talk Courtesy “Che Today" |
Using the skills he perfected in
Thailand, Marcel roamed the hilly Puerto Rican countryside. Arriving at a
destroyed village, he would sit with the elders and introduce himself saying;
¡Hola! Mi nombre es Michael Anthony, the representavo personalo of John
Beresford Tipton, Junior. Then, with
Krissy holding his battered leather valise on her hip, he’d and reach in and
hand them a cashiers check for one million dollars - drawn on the FEMA
account! It was brilliant. Highly
illegal, but brilliant! Hopefully, someday, when they come out of hiding, I can
present this award to him in person. Some day…[snif]"
Student Debby: I’m so confused!
It seems like, in trying to live his life ‘on the edge’, Monsieur Ralral not only walked right up to
it, but then he jumped over. Why… WHY?!
“My, my. Aren’t you the clever
one, Debby? You should discuss that in
your break-out sessions. But let me just say this: Like the smell of the Lake
Michigan alewives, he is no more than a dream remembered. A young man, [she
sobs]…gone with the wind.
You could hear a pin drop. She
knew they were staring at her. Damn emotions got the better of her again. Can’t
let them see me like this! She wiped her eyes, gathered herself and said to the class, “Now, please put
everything under your desks…"
 |
| Marcel Ralral |
Just then, fire alarms went off;
reeeek-reeeek-reeeek!!
Emergency strobe lights began to
flash!
An image walked quickly past the
classroom door, pausing in mid-step to look in the window, for just the briefest of moments.
A student shouted, "It’s
HIM!”
“Who??”, asked the teacher.
“The guy on the slide! Marcel
Ralral! He’s in the hall!!"
The teacher gasped. The class
broke into spontaneous cheers and applause. Chaos!
She rushed to the door and craned
her neck, looking down the hall. There was no one.
She walked back and stood
motionless in front of the class. Her
face flushed. She could feel the warmth of the blushing spreading down her
neck. Her voice cracked as it competed
with the clanging of the alarms, “Listen up!
Unfortunately, this means that today’s midterm exam is canceled. But,
you’d better be ready on Monday! Now
gather up your things, get in line and exit in a single file. I’ll close the
door behind you. Now let’s move it people! Tout d’suite!”
She hustled them through the
door. The sirens from the Whitefish Bay Police and Fire departments were
getting closer. They’d bring in the dogs and sweep the building. That’ll be
interesting. That also meant classes would be canceled for the rest of the
day. Oh well...
She closed the door and elbowed
her way into the river of kids being shepherded through the hall towards the
stairs. Between the clanging of the fire alarms and the jostling of the kids, no
one could hear her singing softly under her breath
🎤
(Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's
back)
If I were you, I'd take a
permanent vacation
(Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's
back)
