Dear Reader: Please read the footnotes as they occur in the text. TY
Dear Mr. Crowley,
You know that Sinatra song, “My Way”? The part where he sings, "Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention”. Well, that’s not true for me.
On the occasion of Teacher Appreciation Day, I hope you’ll indulge me as I share with you a few regrets from
my years as a student at Dominican High School.
§ I
regret that I wasn’t there to help you when school hoodlums chained all the second floor hallway doors together. On that
particular day I was in Mrs. Ash’s Physical Science class at the DHS field next to Bay Shore. We launched our class-project rocket. It crash landed
on the Kohl’s roof. Oops! Class dismissed!!
§ I
regret falling in with the wrong crowd in my World Problems class in senior year.
As a result, I became the first student in the history of DHS to be petitioned OUT of a class, (a ruling I always
suspected you presided over). The only upside to being reassigned to the Typing Class is that I can type this today with just a minimum of Wite-Out and eroes
errors. (SEE [1] below)
§ I
regret I didn’t attend the gala Sports Banquet my senior year. Of course, there
really wasn’t much to celebrate. We lost every single football game.
I think Bob Trussell won something for high jumping. Kerry DeChant won an award just
for surviving the year. And Sphanie won everything else. I would’ve cheered
their accomplishments, if I had attended, but I had other commitments. [2]
§ I
regret that after four years and pretty good attendance, the only college
letter of recommendation I received from Dominican and the faculty, came from Mr. Synold.[3]
 |
| What the hell are you doing Ms. Lechmaier?? I said PITH the frog, not KISS the frog! |
But most of all, I
regret I wasn’t in your class the day you created Kinetic Boy. That’s right.
It was in your class -- and I wasn’t there to see it! I should’ve been,
but again, I had commitments. [4]
Kinetic Boy. That’s all you heard around school. Mike
Fetherston told me he was in the Girls Locker Room when he first heard about
Kinetic Boy. He couldn't say for sure who said it as he was hiding under
a pile of towels in a laundry cart.
Rumor had it, Bill, you hurt
your leg earlier that day and couldn’t demonstrate the Theories of Energy as you
usually did.[5] So that day in class, you asked for a
volunteer to help. Bob Hoeller jumped out of his seat and raced to the front of
the room. With your blessing, he climbed up on top of the lab table and stood
motionless. Classmates remember you saying, "There
it is people! That's Potential
Energy!" You thanked Bob for
helping and asked the class to open their books to, “Mitosis: A House Divided.”
[1] Mary Andrews was also tossed out of class. It haunts
her to this day.
[2] I needed to make it up to Mary for getting her kicked
out of World Problems, so I asked her to be my date at a small dinner party
hosted by Tom O’Leary at Miss Prange’s apartment. I brought a bottle of Mateus
Rosé.
[3] I also regret
that after receiving that letter, I repeatedly snuck into the PA room and for
several days used it to repeatedly announce, “Mr. Synold, please call 1-0”
[4] As punishment for my Fr. Richards Kumbaya Incident on
the PA system, (“Sing with me…Someone’s limpin’ Lord, kumbaya”), I was banished to
the 3rd floor, to spend the
rest of the semester in the DHS Scholastic Gulag known as “Business Law” taught
by Jeff Messerknecht -- who already hated me for losing the last football game
of the year, (a transfer I suspected you engineered).
[5] While enjoying your luncheon sandwich in the Faculty
Dining Room, you looked out the window and saw Bob Steggert sneaking around the
side of the convent, trying to crawl in through an open window. You dashed out and chased him away, pulling your hamstring in the process.
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PAGE TWO
But Bob didn’t get
off the table and go back to his seat as you asked, did he? No he didn’t. To make matters worse there was
an aquarium on the table holding a harmless, innocent frog.[1] (see below) Bob spied the frog and...oh-oh. Classmates speak of an of eerie, unnatural
look that came over him.[2] (see below)
Bob
grabbed the frog and began signing Surfin’
Bird:
“A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird.
Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's
the word,
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word,
A-well-a, bird,
bird, bird, well, the bird is the word!”
Then
he started tap dancing right there on the lab table while waving the frog
around and singing to it! Others picked up the tune, further encouraging Hoeller, all to the accompaniment of howls and cat-calls from the class!
One look in his eyes
and you could tell that inside the containment vessel of his head, billions of
neurons were smashing around. No one could
control that chain reaction! [3] This was your China Syndrome, Bill. An
event like this could melt through to the floors below, wiping out Dora, Antoine, and even Gerard in that basement
bunker of hers. But sometimes the good
guys get lucky and today was your day.
In the middle of his frog-crazed song and dance, Bob slipped and fell
off the table, (look out!!), landing
onto the students in the front row...crash!! Plaid kiltie skirts went flying as bodies tumbled
together onto the floor.
So, what makes a great
teacher? Someone who recognizes a
Teachable Moment when he sees one. Ignoring the pain in your hamstring, you jumped up
on the lab table, pointed down at the tangled mess of arms and legs on the
floor and announced in a loud voice, “OK
people…that was Kinetic Energy!”
Suddenly from the
pile of bodies there was a SCREAM,
followed by a loud SLAP!! and then a girl
screeching at the top of her lungs, “Get your damn hands off me, Kinetic Boy!” [4]
Yes; I really, truly regret
not being in your class that day! [5] You were, (and still are!), a great teacher
Bill. And I regret not having you for
more classes.
Murph
[1] This would be the greatest day of your frog’s
life! Interestingly, according to your
lesson plan, it was also the second to last day of his life.
[2] Classmates: Cathy Lechmaier, Pat Hardin, Debby
Catalano, Mike Caravella, Mike Tank, Charlie Schumacher, Roberta Hanus, Jim Blumberg, Pattie
Striepling, Suzi Stipich, Linda Melacher, Mary Ann DiMaggio, Phil Ott, Frank
Biancuzo, Katie Fischer, Patty Larkin and Jim Sweeny.
[3] You prevailed at the trial: Crowley & The
Sinsinawans vs. Hoeller. The court agreed with your argument that, “no one man
can stop a demonic possession.” They did
however, admonish you for, “Enjoying such a hearty laugh at Mr. Hoeller’s
expense.”
[4] In February 1970, I took a Greyhound Bus to Boulder, Colorado
for a long ski weekend with Cathy Lechmaier. I arrived at the Kappa House and
found her balled up on a couch in the den. After lighting a fire and getting
cozy over glasses of Mateus Rosé, she told me
it was Debby Catalano who coined the phrase, Kinetic Boy;
“After Bob fell off the table, we were all tangled up, laughing
together on the floor. The frog slipped out of his hand and it hopped up
Debby’s skirt (SCREAM!). I saw Bob grab for it. What he got was, well…let’s
just say that what he got, wasn’t the frog (SLAP!!). And then Deb started
screaming at him. Is there another bottle of Mateus??”
[5] Years later, relaxing on the veranda at Ozaukee CC,
sipping an Old Fashioned and recalling his fall onto that front row of Debby,
Katie, Suzi, Mary Ann and Cathy, Mr. Hoeller was heard to say, “All the doubts I had about my sexual
orientation were resolved that day thanks to Bill Crowley and his frog.”
