Harvoni - Rhymes with Baloney

Remember all those cool GAP kids you used to emulate??
You know what they’re doing now?
They’re now wearing Ralph Lauren and lighting floating sky-lanterns.
But, some things haven’t changed. They’re still selling, but they’ve gone from gone from teens eating baloney to adults schilling Harvoni.  
Harvoni: "Because we want you to have Hep-C…just like us!"  Oh and just so we don’t get in trouble?  That Hep-C thang?  That’s freaking Hepatitis!  But calling it ‘Hep-C’ makes it sound like a Dave Matthews tune playing at your Junior College rathskeller. 
Hep-C !  It’s the hip ’n cool disease d’jour!  
It’s the illness that all the hipster Boomers have!  
We all have Hep-C and wear scarves! 
And well all take Harvoni!  You should too!

But maybe, just maybe…it’s all baloney??

Ask yourself; Which would you prefer?

Baloney or Harvoni?

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Hep C?!  You disgusting pig!
How the hell did you get Hep C?
The wedding is OFF and I’m keeping the ring and presents

How funny would this be?   Would your bride react the same way if you said, “Hey hon, there's something you should know before the ceremony - I just ate a baloney sandwich and have one stashed in our honeymoon suite at the hotel for later.”  Would she been all freaked out? Probably not. Why?

Here's what your bride knows: You got Hep C because you played a game called RISK!

Let’s play the game: “Never Ever Have I” ...engaged in the kind of  hedonistic behaviors that doctors tell us are the leading causes of  Hep C. 
You start - we’ll just follow along…laughing at you!

• Never Have I: Been a sloppy health care worker who has been exposed to infected blood, which may happen if an infected needle pierces your skin (see the movie Contagion)

• Never Have I: Injected or inhaled illicit drugs (LIAR! Fess up! You did…still do!)
• Never Have I: Had HIV (remember when that blood test came back false positive and you almost told all your ex’s?)
• Never Have I: Received a tattoo in an unclean parlor using unsterile equipment (Ahh yes! Your permanent reminder of Spring Break in Cancun with crazy Jacki)
• Never Have I: Received a blood transfusion or organ transplant before 1992 (nope)
• Never Have I: Received clotting factor concentrates before 1987 (never)
• Never Have I: Received hemodialysis treatments for a long period of time (nah)
• Never Have I: Been born to a woman with a hepatitis C infection (Mom?!?)
• Never Have I: Been in prison (Question: Is Jail the same as Prison? Asking for a friend.)
• Never Have I: Engaged in unprotected sex with multiple partners (rut-row!)
• Never Have I: Shared other equipment used to prepare or take drugs – such as spoons, filters, pipes and straws – that have been contaminated with infected blood. (holy shit!)
• Never Have I: Shared items such as toothbrushes and razors (OMG! Think!!  Remember that time you woke up at some girl's apartment and realized you had an 8am breakfast meeting with the CEO?  In desperation you grabbed her Lady Shick razor and then her pink tooth brush and Crest. I mean, why not?!  You just spent the better part of the night swapping god knows how many germs and bodily fluids!)
• Were born between 1945 and 1965, the age group with the highest incidence of hepatitis C infection (Ermergerd!!)

Even the dreaded Side Effects of taking Harvoni are a matter of dispute

Baloney Side Effects	Harvoni Side Effects	WINNER
Feel like throwing up	Feel Like Throwing Up	Tie
Nausea and projectile vomiting	Feeling Weak	Bologna
Belching & Extreme flatulence	Low Energy	Bologna
Intestinal cramps	Diarrhea	Harvoni
Self loathing posts on Facebook	Dizzy-Depression	Bologna
An acidic taste in your mouth.	Bilirubin in the Blood	(Seriously?)  Harvoni
Frustration trying to get the package to seal tightly closed	Giant Hives & rashes	(Hives?)  Harvoni
Embarassment when the checker at Publix gives you a condescending look	Relapse Of Hepatitis B	(Seriously)?  Harvoni
Golden Retriver won't stop jumping on you to get your sammich	Small Skin Blisters	Bologna
Jingle gets stuck in your head: 🎶 My Bologna has a first name 🎶	Chronic Trouble Sleeping	Bologna

Baloney WINS!!

and now to pour salt into your Hep-C rash and hives…..

The recommended dosage of HARVONI is one tablet daily.
The current cost per dose is….. $1,125.
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How much does a baloney sammich cost?? What’s the cost of that dose?

• 16 oz Oscar Meyer at Walmart: $2.00
• Serving Size 2 Slices per sandwich                   
  
• Slices Per Container 16
• Calories 160 (so what)
• Calories from Fat 140 (I’m eating baloney for chrissake! I don’t care!)

Cost per sandwich: $2.00 ➗16 ✖ 2 slices/sandwich = 25¢ 
Bread, mustard, mayo?  Add 50¢ 
Bottle of Bud: 79¢  (12 oz 20 pack special at WalMart)

TOTAL COST OF BALOGNA SAMMICH?  $1.54

Baloney WINS Again!!

Bottom line: While you’re gagging on your dose of Harvoni, I can have 730 baloney sandwiches.  Case closed!