Christmas Eve Shopping 2015

As the oldest of seven and the first to get his drivers license, I was often called upon by my panicked parents to make emergency runs to the grocery store the day before a major holiday; 
Dad: Judas priest Ginger! How could you forget the rye bread and Usingers?! 
Mom: Seven kids?

The famous VW bus

This meant me getting the dog (because the dog always went), throwing jackets on a random assortment of siblings and piling into our blue VW Bus and negotiating the wild wild west that was
the parking lot of our Kohl's grocery store.  

Early on I was intimidated and pushed around by babushka wearing Milwaukee hausfraus who elbowed me aside digging for fresh Usinger liver sausage.  And at the bakery, I had to say it exactly so; “I’d like one loaf of the seeded, light rye bread, sliced, and one regular cruller, please”  (for sharing with the dog of course!). It was in those early days that I began formulating my Rules for Shopping On Christmas Eve. 

Kohl's back in the day

And the tradition continues today – Christmas Eve day 2015: 

The Wife: For the love of God! How could you forget the Pepperidge Farm crackers & Kaukauna?!
Me: Uhh...I dunno
So it’s out to the car, in the pouring rain, sans dog, to confront the barbarian hordes at Publix.  And the rules?  They’re codified now, and you should review them before YOU go out!   

1) The white lines in the parking lot weren't painted at random. You're supposed to park between them. 
2) Make a list. If you don't have one, stay in your car until you do. Need time to think? There isn’t time to think! Your single job is to load up your cart, pay and leave without setting off a chain reaction of shopper wrath. 

The Barbarian Horde @ Publix Fairview Rd

3) You say you "hardly ever" do the grocery shopping, but your wife's home with sick kiddos so what’s a guy to do? I’ll tell you what to do: Leave. Go out the door and head to Food Lion. This is no time or place for rookies!
4) Absolutely NO U-turns in the aisle! You walked by the taco shells? Malos ratos!  Keep going and come back round again. Never, ever go in reverse
5) Ten means 10. You have 11? Either off-load something into the candy rack, or get out of the Express Lane
6) You bumped into an old pal and you’d like to chat? Great. Go stand in front of the fresh sea food.
7) NEVER leave your cart unattended, blocking the aisle. I will push it out of the way like an old Camry stuck in a snow storm. 
8) At the Deli counter; state your order in a clear distinct voice and in half-pound increments only!  If you order a quarter pound of Boars Head Olive Loaf I'll have you'll banned for life. PS: Only cretins take samples. This isn't COSTCO for god's sake! 

9) You know the frequent flyer’s unspoken rule about carry on luggage? If you can’t lift it up and put it in the overhead bin, neither can I, so don’t ask. Same thing in Publix: If you can’t lift that 25# bag of Dog Chow off the shelf and put it in your cart, neither can I. Buy a couple of cans of Alpo instead (Merry XMAS Fido!)
10) You’re writing a check!? The horror…the horror

Merry Christmas shoppers!